May 23, 2011

Get Jealous?

Life's not fair. I know it, I'm generally okay with it.

Right now, in this moment. I'm not. There was a piece on the local news about photographers who take pictures for families where the baby doesn't survive. Babies who have minutes or hours, maybe days. That's hearbreaking in itself.

I have two healthy kids. I love them and wouldn't trade them for anything. But I'm jealous of the parents who get to hold their baby. I envy the parent who gets to hold their baby, even for just a few minutes. I envy that they know where their baby is. I envy that they don't remember flushing and thinking "that might be my baby".

I also have two angel babies that I know of. Babies I never got to hold or look at. Babies that I loved for the very brief time that I knew them and who I carry in my heart always. Babies that Sparky occasionally refers to. We haven't told her about them as much as she just knows. We don't tell her that she's being silly when she talks about her brother. We don't know if our angel babies are boys are girls or one of each. But she tells us that she has an older brother and she talks about him as though she knows him.

I wouldn't have my beautiful kids if the other two had survived, but that doesn't mean I don't want them all. I do. I want to be able to hold my 4 kids together and have them play together. I want them to be able to run and laugh together. I want to be able to give a straightforward answer when asked if Sparky and Spunky are my only or if Sparky is my oldest. I don't mince words about it for the most part, but it makes people very uncomfortable.

So it's not fair. It's not fair that babies die at all. It's not fair the people struggle with infertility. It's not fair that babies are born to parents who don't want them. It's not fair that people who desperately want to love a child have to jump through so many hoops. It's just not fair.

And don't misunderstand. I am grateful for Sparky and Spunky. I know that I'm fortunate to have them and be able to spend my time with them. That doesn't diminish the longing for my angel babies though.

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